The Men* of Jesus (*few to no women allowed)

2009-07-18T14:03:00.001-07:00

"If you're saved and you know it have a photo sesh."

Nothing says "I am a man of Christ" quite like the official pastor photo. If you think that those folks in the pews are going to march to the ATM in the church lobby and fork over their tax-sheltered dollars just because they get a write off, you're sadly mistaken. No, this is a fine art, and it starts with the official photo. While there are some omnipresent themes (e.g. white and male), following the guidelines below will help to rise above the flock.

Rule 1: Know your audience
Chances are your audience is rural and white. You don't want to come off as a New York Times-reading, baby-aborting, sushi-eating, commie-nazi homo gay. Keep it simple. Keep your hair shorter than God's famous temper. Alas...

Rule 2: Everyone likes a man in uniform
The old-fashioned robes are a good way to show your more conservative side. The olds will love you for this; exploit it. Note: a "heaven-esque" background will solidify your God-cred.

Rule 3: A Good Catcher Never Forgets his Glove
The rev's cross above is good and all, but how can he misinterpret scripture without his main tool, the Bible? Problem solved below.

Rule 4: "Back in my day, gay meant happy"
Including a wife (preferable yours) in the photo just screams "totally not gay." And in this business, that's important.

Rule 5: The Devil Finds Work for Idle Hands
Consider an action pose. This lets the parishioners know you're a working man and puts to rest worries that you're having meth-fueled sex with a male prostitute.

Rule 6: Throw Your Hands in the Air Like you do Care (a.k.a. super action pose)
Not all denominations or followers are created equally (and God knows they didn't evolve). Many prefer a more intense spiritual experience, and if you are providing the masses with this opiate, throw your damn hands up.

Or, failing that, just pretend you're dancing to "U Can't Touch This" (stop, John Piper Time).

Call for submissions

2009-07-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

Please send us your best glamorous pictures (that is, overly done professional photo shoots that we refer to as Glamour Shits) of you, your friends, your family members, etc., and we'll see they get the treatment they deserve. Preference is given to "vintage" Glamour Shits. Big ups to anyone whose 1990s Glamour Shits came from the photography place at the Mall of America in Minnesota directly across from Hot Topic. Good times.

As a disclaimer, this blog is not affiliated with Glamour Shots corporate and is intended as a parody (e.g. protected under the 1st Amendment and all that).